Marriage on the Rock (s)???

Is your marriage (or relationship) on the rocks?  Or rocky?  Or even pebbly?  Because mine certainly has been all of the above for quite some time now...What I mean is I allowed for everything, big or little, to become a stumbling block in our marriage.  It was as if we were trying to climb a mountain (which let's be honest, marriage can feel like an unclimbable mountain at times!), and as if climbing a mountain isn't already difficult enough, I would choose the most difficult, incorrect, treacherous, path even when presented with a knowingly easier way.
I was blessed enough to be able to attend a marriage retreat 2 weekends ago, hosted by our church, and facilitated by a husband and wife who have been counseling couples for a LONG time now...All I can say is "Amazing".  God pulled everything together in a 24 hour time span to change my marriage for a lifetime.  This is just how God works too-He knows exactly when we need something and how to give it to us.  Mickey and I were at a point where neither one of us were going to budge on certain issues, we were only looking out for ourselves, our own interests, and the only time we would give a little is IF the other person gave a little.  This is NOT how God designed marriage and let me share with you some highlights about what we found about how marriage should work in God's eyes.

Agape Love
1st, God calls us to "agape" love our spouses.  This Greek word means to love in a totally unselfish way, to give and keep on giving without expecting anything in return.  What???  So, even when my hubby chooses a hobby over me, or doesn't give a thoughtful gift for my birthday, or forgets to take out the trash leaving me to do it in the freezing cold, I still have to LOVE him?  I can't get mad and give him the silent treatment or nag at him???  ugghhhhh, so hard...  but when I think about the last 7 years, I can't remember the last time nagging did any good.  It just makes him mad and justifiably so, who wants to be around someone who is always on their case?  So, I thought to myself, I should do this.  I should just love Mickey no matter what.  He is never going to be perfect and neither am I.  Jesus loves me even though I am constantly screwing up and as a Christ follower, I am called to be like Him.  And I LOVE that I can always count on Jesus LOVE.  It is what gets me through each day.  So, how cool if I could provide that for my husband?  How uplifting would that be for him?  If he could always count on my LOVE?  I want him to be the best person he can be and I thought I was helping him by always pointing out how he could do better, boy, is that the wrong way to go about it.  I know now the best way I can help him is to LOVE him unconditionally.   Which brings me to the next topic we discussed at the retreat.

Loving our Husbands
Did you know that men and women are different?  haha... I am sure you did.  But at the same time, how many times have you expected your significant other to know exactly what you need in the relationship without telling them?  We are made differently and are a perfect complement to each other when we allow ourselves to accept the unique way God created us.  We were taught at this retreat that men need 4 things from a wife: 1. companionship with us 2. to be respected by us 3. to provide and protect us 4. physical union with us.  Let's go back to #1.  Guys love to have a friend and we need to be their best friend.  We need to do things he enjoys (even when we do NOT enjoy them).  It means the world to them, so even though you may hate golf, or despise looking at cars for no reason, if your husband wants to do that with you, DO IT!  It is a small sacrifice to show him that you LOVE him.  2nd, men desire our respect.  They need to know we believe they are capable.  They need us to be their cheerleader and give them confidence.  If men don't have that, disastrous things can happen.  Their whole demeanor will be that of a broken man who isn't able to accomplish anything-we have that kind of power over our husbands.  So next time, your hubby comes to you with something he wants to do, encourage him.  Let him know you believe in him.  3rd, men have the need to provide and protect us.  It is built into their soul.  You can easily help with this by not complaining about the things you don't have and thanking him for the work he does for the family.  To him, provision for his family equals LOVE as told by our speaker.  He may not always SAY he LOVES you verbally, but if he is working hard to provide everyday for your needs, he LOVES you, so be grateful.  4th, within marriage, God designed sex to be beautiful and enjoyable.  Husbands NEED that time and experience with you, it is not something they can help or change about themselves.  Just like wives can't change their need for acts and words of love...and we wouldn't want our husbands to say, we are too tired to show you love by working or to tell you we love you...So wives, let's go!  (I know this is personal, but it is sooooo important!)  It the one thing that only wives can provide for our husbands out of the 4 things he needs, if we don't provide it for him, who will?

Loving the Wife
Women are a little more complicated.  We only have 3 needs but there are so many different ways to fulfill them and men need to know them all!  1st, men need to just simply love us.  Tell us constantly.  We need to hear this day in day out.  We need hugs in the middle of the day, we need phone calls over your lunch hour, we need you to study us and know what makes us the most loved.  (The 5 Love Languages book is a good place to find out how best you feel love).  Each woman is unique, don't assume cuz another husband bought his wife flowers, that this is what you should do.  I, for one, think that is a waste, would much rather have a gift card to a spa or a handwritten note.  LOVE your wife in her way!  2nd, understand your wife.  We are not like you!!!  We have to say about 20,000 words a day compared to your 12,000.  Listen to us wholeheartedly.  We have so much to say!  haha!  Know that we love that you are the man and we expect you to do manly things (like killing spiders and buying a car!)  Understand that we are much more emotional and it doesn't help us for you to just try and solve the problem, just listen and empathize.  That is all we want.  3rd, honor your wife.  I LOVE the list our speaker gave so I will share it:
1.  Stand in "awe" of her. 
2.  Compliment her.
3.  Brag about her in front of others.
4.  Thank her for the things she accomplishes.
5.  Treat her with respect as the weaker vessel. (1 Peter 3:7)
6.  Cherish her.
This hits the nail on the head for me!  What do you think your wife would be like if you did these things for her?  I would say you would have a wife who is glowing from the inside out.  You would have a wife who would feel like she could do anything.  Don't you want your wife to feel like that?  C'mon guys, do it!  Make her feel like she is heaven on earth (even when she is not deserving).

Okay, well I could go on and on...if you can't tell, I love the topic of marriage.  I want so badly for Mickey and I to have an amazing, God-inspired marriage.  We only have this 1 life!  I don't want to spend it arguing with the person I CHOSE to marry.  And that is what it comes down to, choices.  I have to choose to AGAPE LOVE my hubby regardless if he reciprocates.  Whether it changes my marriage in this life or not, I will stand before God one day and have to discuss what kind of wife I was.  And I want to be able to tell God that I did my very best to do marriage His way. 
So, don't let rocks or pebbles or rubble get in your way of climbing the mountain of marriage.  There is an easier way. (even if it seems more difficult at the time)  We all know the view from the top of a mountain is the same whether we struggle to get there or not.  So, get up to that view and enjoy, the sooner, the better! 
(I want to give credit to Todd and Kari Heilman who facilitated the retreat.  They did an amazing job and God has gifted them to help people realize how awesome marriage can be.  Praise God for them!)