My Heart is Broken in Two

Today was probably our worst day here in Zambia.  We started out the day just fine, me doing a craft at the preschool, then heading into Lusaka to try and get a signature to start the fostering period for our boys.  Mickey actually got in right away to the necessary office and was told to wait for a phone call to come back later to speak with the director of social welfare.  So far, so good.  But after taking the kids to a movie, eating, and grabbing a few groceries, it all went pretty south from there.  Mickey got the phone call to come for the meeting, so the kids and I stayed in the car.  I am thinking the whole time, oh my goodness, he is going to get it, and we are going to go pick up our boys right now??? Woohoo!  

And that's when it happened.  He came out, told me the discussion, and my heart broke in two. 

Apparently, the director told him she does not want to approve our adoption.  She believes that because we have two young biological children, that we will not be able to give our adopted children enough attention and love.  She gave the excuse that she has stacks of applications from people who want to adopt, but have no children, why should she give these two to us?  She told us we went about the process the wrong way because we aren't supposed to self identify.  

I will just address these concerns to you, just like my husband did to her.  To her first reason, we will love these children exactly the same, there will be no preference, no favoritism.  We will do the best we possibly can to care for these children as our own.  We value family and the calling God has placed on our lives, and it won't be easy to have 4 young children, but we know God will equip us with all we need.  To her second reason, there are over a million orphans in this country, if there are people who want to adopt, why aren't they adopting?  There is no reason in the world that people should have to wait too long in this country to find a child who needs a family and a home.  That is your job to help those families, not ours.  We would love to see those stacks cleared off your desk.  To her third reason, we were told we could self identify after a month of trying to work with various social workers and having no one work to find us a child/children to adopt.  With only being able to be here for a year, we couldn't afford to wait so we started visiting orphanages.  We felt connected to our two boys so decided to seek out their orphan status, and on it went from there.  We would have loved to have someone help us with that process, but since no one was, we decided to get to it.  

So there are the details, now here are the feelings.  I feel like I have been punched in the head, my body hurts, and I can't stop crying.  These boys just started calling me mom during the last few visits.  We have visited them weekly for 3 months, spent time with their dying father, and gotten to know their extended family.  In my head, when I look at my family, I see them.  I don't know what they are thinking right now.  We haven't been there in a week, we were going to go today, but just couldn't after that meeting.  They know we want to adopt them.  Ughhhhh...I can't get their little faces out of my mind.  I can't take the thought of them not being my children...


But...family and friends, we have one last effort we are making and that is where you come into play.  Our social worker is going to meet with this director on Friday to try and convince her otherwise.  Would you please join me in continuous prayer that her heart would be changed???  That she would decide it is in the best interest of the children to be with us???  That her reasons would be silly in comparison to the fact that we love these boys and these boys love us and this is the right fit???  And please pray for peace for Mickey and I in the waiting.  I just blogged about waiting and I am pretty sure I have blogged about it several times since we have been here.  Waiting is tough and I think this will be the toughest waiting period in our lives, but I know if you would cover it in prayer, God will fill me with peace and the best decision for these boys will be made on Friday.  

Thank you, I will post more on Friday as soon as we hear.