Well, I was doing fine until...

Isn't it just crazy how the smallest (yet maybe the most important) of moments can bring it all home for someone?  As I just finished putting my son to bed and we were doing our normal routine, the tears came and  IT ALL HIT ME.  Why?  Because this is the last time I will put him to bed in his room.  Because his room is empty. Because I could remember clearly moving him into that room into a big boy bed cuz baby sister was coming and he looked so small.  Because I have been packing for what seems like weeks on end and it doesn't seem like I will ever be done.   Because we won't have a normal "home" for the next two months where I will put him to bed in "his" room.  Because we are leaving this country to the unknown, much different, 3rd world country of Zambia to live for a year.  Because when we get back, we will need to rent for a while so we can build our home (more on that later).  Because in our new home things will be different, and there will be an added sibling (or two).   Because things will have changed in Ankeny while I am gone and I am going to miss lots of fun and important moments in my family and friends' lives. Because I strive on routine and consistency and there hasn't been any of that lately and there won't be any in the for-seeable future. Because I have been too busy to even think about all that is happening in our lives because our lives have been so crazy. Because we had an awful day today-due to me trying to be super mom this week and keep things "normal" for the kids, while simultaneously doing all the normal household chores (hello, laundry doesn't stop just because you are moving!) as well as packing up an entire home into 3 different categories and well, I just kind of lost it today with the kids-there I admitted it.  The pressure got to me and who better to take it out on?  They are supposed to be perfect, aren't they?  Especially when their whole world is getting turned upside down?  No, obviously not.

So, to put it bluntly, I am not doing so hot right now(seriously you should see me typing on my bed covered with laundry that is waiting to be put away in our totes that our covering the floor of our bedroom with tears streaming down my face as well as going upstairs several times during the writing of this post to try and get my 2 year old to bed who has decided she doesn't need to go to sleep before 9:30 at night every night)...I wanted to write this right now while I was feeling the raw emotion of it all, the breakdown of myself, so I can look back and when God sees me through all this, I can thank Him for being all I need.  For showing me that He is worth it all.  Worth giving up all of my stuff and routines and familiarities.  

Now, is that how I am feeling right now?  That all I need is God? That I am ok with giving up our home and "normal" life? Nope!  Again, being honest.  I feel like I need an address to call home.  I feel like I need my kids to have their own little bedrooms. I feel like I need my little weekly schedule all wrapped up in a bow for me every week.  I feel like I need to know exactly what life is going to be like in the camper the next two months and exactly how life is going to look for us in Zambia.  I feel like I can't see how anything could be worth all the stress, time, and money we have had in the last 6 months since making this decision.  I know, gasp-sounds horrible of me right?!  But here is the greatest thing about our God.  He still loves me. He is not mad at me for feeling this way.  He wants my faith to increase and for me to rely on Him more.  Which I have said before, this is quite difficult in Ankeny.  Not saying it can't be done, it just wasn't being done for me here.  So, God asked me to sell my home.  To live in an RV for two months.  To move to Zambia. To adopt. To build a new home to start fresh with my new family. And even though I am struggling right now with the weight of what God is asking me to do, I know He is faithful and He is patient.  I know He cares for all my big and small concerns.  I know He is good.  I know He is constant.  I know He is excited for this time in my life, where I will need Him more than ever before. Just right now, it is my head that knows this and not my heart (as my bestie Erin has talked about before-the struggle to things from our heads to our hearts)

So, that is it.  My rambling writing break and now I am back to work on this crazy house because the hubs and his firefighter friends are coming here at 7am to get started on moving stuff out into the trailer.  Can I ask for prayer dear friends?  Prayer for emotions, patience and grace with the kids (and the hubs-poor guy dealing with his emotional wife), to connect what I know in my head to my heart, and for me to realize that God really can fulfill every need I have-that I don't need anything more than Him.  

Thank you-and to those of you wondering where all this came from because you probably just saw me and asked how I was doing and I said, "Fine!" I swear I wasn't lying. :)  As stated above, I was doing fine until...

A Reflection on Father's Day (guest host by the hubby!)

After Evan was born I began contemplating what it means to be a good parent. We all know that there are many people out there with kids that are clearly not cut out for the task.  There are also many out there that have raised stellar kids.  It is difficult figuring out what makes good parents, well…good.  I am not sure that anyone has ever laid out a job description with a bullet point list detailing the qualifications of a good parent; yet we know one when we see one.  So even though I can’t define what it means to be a good parent, I can tell you unequivocally that I have great parents.   I know this because of what they sacrifice. 

This past weekend was a great example of sacrifice.  My parents, pushing 60 now, took time and energy to go to Chicago to an auction to help us find cheap building materials for a house to build when we come back from Zambia.  It was hot, crowded, and the things we bought were heavy.  Dad would have much rather been at his Red Top game than loading up several tons of materials. What is the point?  My parents demonstrate how seriously they take their roles by the amount they are willing to give up their own aspirations to help me achieve my own.   This is a lifelong commitment.  They didn’t just put their lives on hold while raising me, only later to return to what they want to do.  They so wholly invested in me as a child that my dreams and pursuits and interests literally became theirs as well.  Somewhere between baseball games, school plays, concerts, skiing, hunting, farming, college, firefighting, mission work, etc, they became so enamored with the idea that their son could do something great with his life that they forgot what they were chasing after and began pushing me in the chase.   For sure there are other signs of their love; anyone who knows me can tell you how spoiled I was by them as a kid.  But buying things or taking me places was just a small price for them to pay.  It is easy to buy a gift or take a vacation.  It is much more difficult to let personal ambitions or aspirations die in order to see your children flourish.  That takes sacrifice.

It would be great if we were all so fortunate to have such sacrificial parents.  While we can’t rewrite our own history books, we still have time to write the future.  What are we willing to give up as parents for our own children?  Is it a job, a golf game, a social club, a movie, a marathon, Facebook (dare I say)?  What do we communicate to our children when we pursue these things rather than them?  I am not saying that we can’t pursue any of our own ambitions.  What I am saying is that parenting should be more than a part time job or a lifelong burden brought about by our own desires.  It should be more than an afterthought.  Here are a few easy checks:  If you spend more time analyzing your golf swing than you analyze your kid’s baseball swing, you have problems.  If you spend more time reading on Facebook than you did reading to your kids, you have problems.  If you spend more time talking on the phone for work at home than you did talking to your children, you have problems.  It isn’t what we do necessarily, it is what we value.  We can pursue athletic achievement all we want, if at the end of the day we come back and play catch in the backyard or have a real conversation with our kids.  It is when we put ourselves on a pedestal that we get into trouble.

In the spirit of sacrifice, this next year my loving wife has committed to go a million miles out of her comfort zone to the heart of Africa for the love of a child (or 2 or 3) that she doesn’t even know.  This is sacrifice at its finest.  She is knowingly venturing off to a place full of bugs, spiders, dirt, snakes and germs because of a love for an unidentified orphan.  She sacrifices with the best of them for her kids at home as well.   As I reflect on the sacrifices my parents made over the years, I am full of pride over my wife who is demonstrating the same virtue evident in great parents.

One thing is for sure:  at the end of my life, I am confident that I will not regret investing in and sacrificing for my children.  What matters at the end of life isn’t what we own or where we have been or what skills we have mastered, but the legacy we leave behind.  I want my legacy to be warriors of children that serve God and change the world.   I am not there yet, but I want to be as committed and invested in my kids as my parents are to me and my wife is to ours.    

Fire Department graduation

My wife and kids

Mound meeting with my dad

The Wedding Bells Have Rung!

This past weekend, I got the amazing pleasure of witnessing my older brother get married to his dear love.  I LOVE WEDDINGS. And I cry every time.  This was no exception.  It was definitely not a sad or even sappy cry, it was just a true happiness cry.  I can't even explain or put into words how happy I am for my big bro.  He has had his fair share of ups and downs and life hasn't always gone the way that it should or could have for him...  But last Saturday night was a great defining moment in his life, and a demonstration of how God is working in his heart.  Pretty cool.
So, a little bit about the couple-they are such a great match.  My big bro is super laid back-and he has himself an equally laid back lady.  They are both very family oriented.  They let each other be and have their own individual interests.  They also enjoy time together and find fun ways to spend their time.  They are both softies and love kiddos.
I can't think of anyone better suited for Josh and I also think Josh is just what Laurie needs as well.  God is good.

So, to Josh and Laurie, congratulations.  Josh, you are going to be a fantastic husband-you are a good leader who is patient and you have a compassionate heart.  Laurie, welcome to the family.  So happy to call you my sister.  I hope that we have lots of time and opportunities to get to know each other better.  Thank you for loving my bro and choosing him to be your husband.  He is blessed to have a woman like you.

The handsome ring bearer

Uncle Joshie and Aunt Laurie with our kiddos!

The big moment for the kiddos!

Alea kind of forgot to throw the flowers during the walk down-but came through with throwing one flower at the end-ha!

Rev. Arlan Palmer (he is a dear family friend and officiated our wedding too!) performing the ceremony!

Love how she is looking at him here!

"You may kiss the bride!"

Presenting the married couple!

She looked so gorgeous! 

Mr. and Mrs. Evans marching into the Bulls lineup song!

Cupcake face

Dancing their hearts out

so sweet

My momma and her first born (was trying to imagine dancing with Ev on his big day!  :( )