Well, I was doing fine until...

Isn't it just crazy how the smallest (yet maybe the most important) of moments can bring it all home for someone?  As I just finished putting my son to bed and we were doing our normal routine, the tears came and  IT ALL HIT ME.  Why?  Because this is the last time I will put him to bed in his room.  Because his room is empty. Because I could remember clearly moving him into that room into a big boy bed cuz baby sister was coming and he looked so small.  Because I have been packing for what seems like weeks on end and it doesn't seem like I will ever be done.   Because we won't have a normal "home" for the next two months where I will put him to bed in "his" room.  Because we are leaving this country to the unknown, much different, 3rd world country of Zambia to live for a year.  Because when we get back, we will need to rent for a while so we can build our home (more on that later).  Because in our new home things will be different, and there will be an added sibling (or two).   Because things will have changed in Ankeny while I am gone and I am going to miss lots of fun and important moments in my family and friends' lives. Because I strive on routine and consistency and there hasn't been any of that lately and there won't be any in the for-seeable future. Because I have been too busy to even think about all that is happening in our lives because our lives have been so crazy. Because we had an awful day today-due to me trying to be super mom this week and keep things "normal" for the kids, while simultaneously doing all the normal household chores (hello, laundry doesn't stop just because you are moving!) as well as packing up an entire home into 3 different categories and well, I just kind of lost it today with the kids-there I admitted it.  The pressure got to me and who better to take it out on?  They are supposed to be perfect, aren't they?  Especially when their whole world is getting turned upside down?  No, obviously not.

So, to put it bluntly, I am not doing so hot right now(seriously you should see me typing on my bed covered with laundry that is waiting to be put away in our totes that our covering the floor of our bedroom with tears streaming down my face as well as going upstairs several times during the writing of this post to try and get my 2 year old to bed who has decided she doesn't need to go to sleep before 9:30 at night every night)...I wanted to write this right now while I was feeling the raw emotion of it all, the breakdown of myself, so I can look back and when God sees me through all this, I can thank Him for being all I need.  For showing me that He is worth it all.  Worth giving up all of my stuff and routines and familiarities.  

Now, is that how I am feeling right now?  That all I need is God? That I am ok with giving up our home and "normal" life? Nope!  Again, being honest.  I feel like I need an address to call home.  I feel like I need my kids to have their own little bedrooms. I feel like I need my little weekly schedule all wrapped up in a bow for me every week.  I feel like I need to know exactly what life is going to be like in the camper the next two months and exactly how life is going to look for us in Zambia.  I feel like I can't see how anything could be worth all the stress, time, and money we have had in the last 6 months since making this decision.  I know, gasp-sounds horrible of me right?!  But here is the greatest thing about our God.  He still loves me. He is not mad at me for feeling this way.  He wants my faith to increase and for me to rely on Him more.  Which I have said before, this is quite difficult in Ankeny.  Not saying it can't be done, it just wasn't being done for me here.  So, God asked me to sell my home.  To live in an RV for two months.  To move to Zambia. To adopt. To build a new home to start fresh with my new family. And even though I am struggling right now with the weight of what God is asking me to do, I know He is faithful and He is patient.  I know He cares for all my big and small concerns.  I know He is good.  I know He is constant.  I know He is excited for this time in my life, where I will need Him more than ever before. Just right now, it is my head that knows this and not my heart (as my bestie Erin has talked about before-the struggle to things from our heads to our hearts)

So, that is it.  My rambling writing break and now I am back to work on this crazy house because the hubs and his firefighter friends are coming here at 7am to get started on moving stuff out into the trailer.  Can I ask for prayer dear friends?  Prayer for emotions, patience and grace with the kids (and the hubs-poor guy dealing with his emotional wife), to connect what I know in my head to my heart, and for me to realize that God really can fulfill every need I have-that I don't need anything more than Him.  

Thank you-and to those of you wondering where all this came from because you probably just saw me and asked how I was doing and I said, "Fine!" I swear I wasn't lying. :)  As stated above, I was doing fine until...